Cleaning up

I finally cleaned out the car and brought in Gideon's leash, collar, and ropey-ball toy. When I went to put them with Mena's stuff I held both leashes like I used to when I took them out for walks together. I felt so comfortable wrapping them both around my hand. And it felt so bad looking at the empty collars on the other ends.

I gave the old dog medicines to the vet for disposal and/or donating to needy clients. I think that helped, since I don't have to see all of it any more - especially the stuff we were giving Gideon near the end. I've also put the remaining dog stuff we don't want to keep in a big pile to either give to neighbors or give to the local shelter. But I just can't pull the trigger and give it away. I know we don't need it (and some of it was stuff that was never used) but it just makes things seem so final. I think one of the worst things is those 3 cans of wet food that are leftover. When I bought 12 cans I thought Mena might have time to finish them all. Little did I know that Gideon wouldn't even have enough time to finish them all.

I still have good and bad times, but more good than bad. Mostly it's when everyone is asleep that it's hardest...it's just so quiet. I miss the nails clicking, the breathing, the digging of nests on the carpet. And I really miss having someone to talk to when I get home, or I'm the only one awake.

But overall, life is getting a little easier and we're all doing better. I know that it's healthy to get over their deaths and to move on, but in addition to feeling better I often also feel a range of other emotions. It's almost like I have 2 separate TV shows going in my head at once. Show 1 is the "feeling better" show, and Show 2 is the "sadness/grief/guilt" show. It's very strange watching both shows at once. And I'm not really sure I want Show 2 to end quite yet.